Anyway, all of sleepless nights have my mind swirling with thoughts. This week the topic is failures. Mine. And just how many of them I feel like I have on my back right now.
I've touched a bit on my living situation in previous posts, but here is the short version. Originally I had planned to get a house at the beginning of next year. I've had some credit issues in the past and have been working steadily at getting those taken care of. The last I talked to my mortgage broker, I was almost at the qualifying level. Well, not sure what happened, but when she pulled it again 3 months later it had gone down. So much so that I wouldn't be able to build it back up in time to get a house before the baby gets here. Now, I know there are many single mothers out there that live in apartments or at home with their parents, or with roommates. But they're not me. And I had a goal I didn't meet, and that makes me feel like a failure. Well maybe not ME per say, but it adds to my list of failures. We won't go into my other failures (not near enough time or space), but I will go into my fears of failing; as a parent.
While I'm sure every first time parent has fears, they're still not fun and these days they seem overwhelming. They go somewhat like this:
- Will I be able to provide for my child in the best way possible?
- Will I be able to prep my child correctly for the world outside while still keeping the innocence of childhood as long as possible?
- Will I be able to keep an open line of communication with my child to where they feel comfortable talking to me about anything?
- How will I know when to let go and when to hang on?
The list goes on and on, but these are the main ones that have been on my mind. Especially number one. With the home situation, I think that fear has only grown. Will I be able to provide for my child the best way possible? Now, since I am a Choice Mom, I did wait until I knew I was financially stable in order to start this process. And I am. But really, what is financial stability? Is it being able to put a roof over your child's head and provide three good meals for them? Or is it having a college fund, a wedding fund, any kind of savings fund for them?
I'm not sure if it's an all-around feeling among parents, but I want my child to have it better than I did. I want to give them more. Maybe that's a Western philosophy but it's truly how I feel. I know that love and security are the most important, and obviously I will give those to my child. But this goes beyond that. I WANT to be able to put my child through college, I WANT to be able to pay for my daughter's (should it be a girl) wedding without having to take out a second mortgage. (On the home I don't own. Ha!) That doesn't mean my child will be sans responsibilities but I want those options to be available to them. So much so that if it means I eat PB&J's the rest of my life, so be it. Children are about self-sacrifice, right? I just hope it's enough.