I wish I could add music notes to the title. That was intended to be read like the FRIENDS theme in case anyone wondered.
Ah, FRIENDS. One of my favorite shows ever; if not my favorite. But watching FRIENDS always makes me a bit sad. It makes me wish I had a close group of friends like that. Granted, I realize it's total fiction, but the thought is nice. Five faithful, loyal, caring friends. Sounds amazing.
I've always been somewhat of a loner. Growing up an only child started that, I guess. I had a few select friends that I went to church with and maybe one or two from school. But mostly, I was alone. Nothing really changed as I got older. I blame most of it on circumstances. I was constantly moving from place to place and never really in one location very long. I still had a couple of childhood friends that I kept in touch with but that was about it.
However, a few years ago things seemed to pick up somewhat in the friend department. I found myself going out more and meeting friends of friends. I developed a couple of close relationships and had somewhat of a "group" dynamic among them. A few of us girls had martini Wednesdays at a local sushi joint. Afterwards we would head out to a pub for a couple of drinks and some laughs. It was good times. But after awhile, everyone moved on. One has a baby, one gets a boyfriend, the typical stuff. And I was back to just me. This pattern would repeat itself at least two more times in the next year or so. And although it made sense; because of course life never remains the same, it still was always a bit painful and difficult for me to deal with. Perhaps it was the fact that I had finally acquired the coveted FRIENDS feeling and losing it wasn't something I hadn't planned on. I mean after all, they all stayed friends for 10 seasons!
By the time I started this journey I had about six close friends. Two live out of town so that left four for actual get-togethers. None of them knew each other so it wasn't a group thing, but I would spend time with them all individually and was totally fine with that. They all played a part in my decision making when it came to this choice in my life. Each one providing a different perspective and opinion. And although some were worried, all seemed very excited for me. But as things progressed I noticed a change; they all started to pull away. It didn't happen all at once. But one here, one there, so on and so forth. It wasn't really blatant. It was more of a subtle withdrawal. I've still yet to fully figure it out but best I can come up with, it plays out as follows:
I underwent a LOT during this entire process both physically and emotionally. Three surgeries, giving myself shot after shot, struggling with the fact that it's pretty much impossible for me to conceive naturally, dealing with those close to me being totally opposed to this choice in my life and many other things. It's not an easy load to carry and certainly not easy to carry alone. These friends were really my only outlets. It wasn't something I discussed openly with everyone, but rather kept inside of my circle where I felt protected. Since it was a lot to deal with (and since no one has stated otherwise) I can only assume that the burden of helping me carry the load became too much for them. Granted, I was incredibly "needy" at some points. Certain things had certain effects on me that no one could have predicted and on several occasions I found myself greatly in need of someone to talk to. But ALL of these people repeated over and over how they'd be there for me during this time. No matter what, come what may, they were going to be there. Yet I'm now down to one friend from the original six and one acquaintance that stepped up and has become a friend as well.
I've played things over in my head so many times trying to figure it out. But, it is what it is. And perhaps that's for the best seeing as how I'm about to bring a child into this world. I need to be cautious about who I allow to be in my child's life. God knows I've had enough people come and go in my lifetime and I want to ensure that Peanut has the most stable life possible. So from now on instead of worrying about those that have gone, I think I'll focus on those that have stayed.