Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Warning: Pregnancy Hormone Rant Ahead.

Today is the first time I have actually felt like the world is falling out from underneath me.

For starters, I am at the point of having to enroll Peanut in daycare. The waiting list is already pushed out until the end of September and I don't need it to pushed any further. I already have no clue what I'll do with her for half of August and the majority of September. The registration of course comes with a fee, so I get to find that money somewhere in my endless stash.

Second, I've recently started thinking about my maternity leave in much greater detail. I'm currently planning on taking 8 weeks off. I will get vacation pay for the first 3 and then after that, STD will cover an additional 4, leaving me with only one week of fending for myself. However, due to the time I enrolled in STD, if Peanut arrives any time before 38 weeks (June 1st), my claim will not be covered and I will be totally screwed. I can always go back to work after 4 weeks, but then that leaves me without child care for even LONGER. And in that situation I have absolutely no clue what I would do. None.

Third, I really love my job, they've been great throughout the entire pregnancy and during all of my medical issues. However, I've been feeling very useless lately. I'm used to doing not only my job, but the job of at least three other people here. While some might see this as a blessing during pregnancy (and I get it), I hate feeling useless. I do my job and do it well, but I know I am capable of so much more.

Combine the three and I feel totally useless and helpless. Add in the fact that my sciatic nerve is now wrenched almost every hour of every day and it's a horrific cocktail. I am trying my best to just breathe and take things one day at a time, but it's not easy. I take my baths at night and lie in silence in my bed with all the lights on and my puppy next to me; no TV on, nothing. Just silence, sitting and thinking. I've attempted to watch shows on Hulu and I do okay for about an hour but then my mind actually trumps what I'm watching and I end up just turning it off.  I find myself taking naps around 7:30 P.M. every night and then lying awake in thought until 1:00 A.M.

Sadly I don't think there's a cure for what ails me, other than giving birth. I guess I will just remain in turmoil until that time. This too shall pass, right?

1 comment:

  1. Yes, this will pass. Some of the things you are worried about you literally can't do anything about, so you might as well put them in a mental storage box and stop fretting about them. Seriously, just store them away. Such as your job. As long as you are doing your best at your current position, that will need to be good for now. You can work on broadening or changing your position later. Right before you start your 3rd trimester is probably not a good time! As for STD, all I can say is save as much as you can now, know that babies don't need very much but food, shelter, diapers and appropriate onesies in the beginning and the rest is just frosting. You may deliver after 38 weeks, it's pretty rare for a 1st time mom to deliver earlier than that unless something isn't going well. So let's just pray that doesn't happen. In the meantime, prepare. Save as much cash as you can, and epecially after you have a shower you'll have everything you need if you register correctly. Don't register for unecessary stuff. I feel like everything will work out just fine.

    As for daycare, have you considered an in home daycare? If you went that route, you might want to get recommendations from people you know, but when my baby was new I used a women who watched only 2 babies in her home, and she turned out to be the best decision I ever made. She was licensed with the state and came recommended by my neighbor, whose daughter she'd taken care of. She ended up caring for my daughter from 10 weeks old to 3 years old. Just an option. If that doesn't work out, then of course, choose a daycare and put down the deposit. Of course it sucks to pay the money, but at least it will be done and it will be one more thing ticked off your list that you no longer have to worry about.

    I know 100% how it feels to worry about these things. I do hope you get some peace of mind soon, and you begin to rest better! I will be sending you good thoughts...