Today is the first time I have actually felt like the world is falling out from underneath me.
For starters, I am at the point of having to enroll Peanut in daycare. The waiting list is already pushed out until the end of September and I don't need it to pushed any further. I already have no clue what I'll do with her for half of August and the majority of September. The registration of course comes with a fee, so I get to find that money somewhere in my endless stash.
Second, I've recently started thinking about my maternity leave in much greater detail. I'm currently planning on taking 8 weeks off. I will get vacation pay for the first 3 and then after that, STD will cover an additional 4, leaving me with only one week of fending for myself. However, due to the time I enrolled in STD, if Peanut arrives any time before 38 weeks (June 1st), my claim will not be covered and I will be totally screwed. I can always go back to work after 4 weeks, but then that leaves me without child care for even LONGER. And in that situation I have absolutely no clue what I would do. None.
Third, I really love my job, they've been great throughout the entire pregnancy and during all of my medical issues. However, I've been feeling very useless lately. I'm used to doing not only my job, but the job of at least three other people here. While some might see this as a blessing during pregnancy (and I get it), I hate feeling useless. I do my job and do it well, but I know I am capable of so much more.
Combine the three and I feel totally useless and helpless. Add in the fact that my sciatic nerve is now wrenched almost every hour of every day and it's a horrific cocktail. I am trying my best to just breathe and take things one day at a time, but it's not easy. I take my baths at night and lie in silence in my bed with all the lights on and my puppy next to me; no TV on, nothing. Just silence, sitting and thinking. I've attempted to watch shows on Hulu and I do okay for about an hour but then my mind actually trumps what I'm watching and I end up just turning it off. I find myself taking naps around 7:30 P.M. every night and then lying awake in thought until 1:00 A.M.
Sadly I don't think there's a cure for what ails me, other than giving birth. I guess I will just remain in turmoil until that time. This too shall pass, right?