It's Not You....It's Me.

"No matter how many times I attempt to explain that their anger is about them...it's not out there at the other person, it's something about themselves, they just don't get it."  

Dr. Drew Pinksy 
Rehab with Dr. Drew

Not a fun concept to swallow and defiantly a hard one to grasp at times. But the more I think about it, the deeper I take it in my mind, the truer it becomes.  Hold on, wait, calm down. I just heard all of you that are angry burst out, "NO! It's not ME! I'm angry at HER! I'm angry at HIM! They made me angry! They did this to me!" While that may appear to be the case on the surface, I'm going ask you to back up and look at it from a different perspective. It won't be easy and it won't be fun. I know because I've had to do it a lot recently. It's never easy nor fun to place responsibility on ourselves. It's much easier and lot more fun to place responsibility on someone else. Why? Because that gives us an out. That gives us a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. But most importantly  it frees us from any overwhelming feelings we might be encountering that we would rather not face. Not feelings of anger; other feelings. Feelings like fear, inadequacy, loss, etc. It may sound crazy, but it's true.

Walk through this with me. Think of a person that you're angry with right now. Got them in your mind? Okay, let's go. Now, why exactly are you angry with them? Let me give you my example, so that perhaps you can walk through it better. I am currently angry at a good friend (or what I thought was a good friend) of mine. If you were to ask me why, my immediate response would be, "Because she's dropped me. She's totally disappeared from my life for no reason. She had no reason to leave, I did nothing wrong."  If I were to go on and tell you the back-story, most of you would probably agree with me and not only that, you would agree with my anger; possibly even encourage me in it. "It's perfectly normal to be angry at her! I would be angry too!"

We have now established that I'm angry, who I am angry at and why I am angry. Now let me show you why this anger is not about my so-called friend and is, in fact, about me.

Let's start with the first thing I said. I am angry at what I THOUGHT was a good friend of mine. This is my first issue; MY issue. I have had several situations in the past where people that I considered to be really close friends have betrayed me. It caused me a ton of pain and it was a pain that lasted for a  long time. And if we look at it....yep....it still hurts now. THAT is why I am firstly "angry" with this friend. My pain is being triggered by her actions. But it's my pain. And friend or no friend, I can't expect anyone else to be privy to my situation and cater to my hurts. That's something that I have to take responsibility for. I am responsible for my own healing, not someone else.

The next thing I stated was why I was angry with this friend, "Because she dropped me. She totally disappeared from my life for no reason."  Here is my second issue. I have a major fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of being alone in world. Even though I'm a fully independent woman, that doesn't mean that I don't want to have people close to me; friends, family, etc.  I'm not exactly sure where this traces back to, but I have an idea. But even if I knew exactly where it traced back to, who is the one experiencing that fear? Me. I'm the one scared of being left. And yet again, the anger is developed from an issue that is all my own; not my friend's.

The last thing I said was that my friend had no reason to leave because I had done nothing wrong. My final issue is one of perfection. Ever since I was a little girl I was surrounded by pressure to be perfect. Perfection was admired and was to be strived for. Your best was not enough unless your best was perfect. And of course, my best was not/is not perfect. For me, the struggle of perfection causes me to be incredibly defensive about mistakes that I make. Though mistakes are a normal part of life, they're not a part that I'm quite accustomed to yet. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to accepting my mistakes and forgiving myself of them.

Do you see now how my anger is not about my friend and is really about me?

I asked a good friend of mine to humor me and partake in this thought process as well. As luck would have it, she happened to be really upset at someone. So she agreed to try it out and see what conclusions she came to. Here is her answer:

I’m extremely angry at a close friend right now.  I’m moving next week, and have a dinner with my closest girlfriends planned for this weekend.  This friend that I’m mad at works weekends, so I made sure to give her the date about 6 weeks ago so that she could make sure that she was off in time to make it to dinner on Saturday…which she has, on more than one occasion, said wouldn't be a problem.  Well she ended up getting the weekend off and has decided to go out of town, so she will not be at my dinner Saturday night.  

Any good friend would make sure to see their friend before they moved out of town right?  I’m justified in my anger, aren't I?

Or am I?  If I were to be totally honest, I’d say that while my feelings are very hurt that she doesn't find it necessary to be there the night of my “going away party,” she did offer to come over the next night (when she gets back in town).  Problem with that is that we’ll have friends from out of town here helping us load up our moving truck, so we wouldn't get to spend much time together.  I should also say that I know that things have been rough for her lately, and I haven’t made much of an effort to go see her.  I guess I've been so caught up in my move, expecting everyone to cater to my schedule, that I haven’t made much of an effort to see the girls that have become like family here.  So, after talking it through, I’d say that I’m more mad at myself for getting lost in myself and not making the time for my friends these last few weeks. 

What about you? Are you able to look at the person you're angry at and see how your anger is not about them, but it's about you?

Now, none this means that I don't think anger is a necessary/normal feeling. I think anger is very necessary. I think it's necessary in helping us identify issues that we haven't fully dealt with yet. But the only way we can actually deal with those issues is by stripping anger of it's mask; by revealing it for what it truly is and pointing the finger where it belongs; back at us.

I'll Be There For You.....Maybe.

I wish I could add music notes to the title. That was intended to be read like the FRIENDS theme in case anyone wondered.

Ah, FRIENDS. One of my favorite shows ever; if not my favorite. But watching FRIENDS always makes me a bit sad. It makes me wish I had a close group of friends like that. Granted, I realize it's total fiction, but the thought is nice. Five faithful, loyal, caring friends. Sounds amazing.

I've always been somewhat of a loner. Growing up an only child started that, I guess. I had a few select friends that I went to church with and maybe one or two from school. But mostly, I was alone. Nothing really changed as I got older. I blame most of it on circumstances. I was constantly moving from place to place and never really in one location very long. I still had a couple of childhood friends that I kept in touch with but that was about it.

However, a few years ago things seemed to pick up somewhat in the friend department. I found myself going out more and meeting friends of friends. I developed a couple of close relationships and had somewhat of a "group" dynamic among them. A few of us girls had martini Wednesdays at a local sushi joint. Afterwards we would head out to a pub for a couple of drinks and some laughs. It was good times. But after awhile, everyone moved on. One has a baby, one gets a boyfriend, the typical stuff. And I was back to just me. This pattern would repeat itself at least two more times in the next year or so. And although it made sense; because of course life never remains the same, it still was always a bit painful and difficult for me to deal with.  Perhaps it was the fact that I had finally acquired the coveted FRIENDS feeling and losing it wasn't something I hadn't planned on. I mean after all, they all stayed friends for 10 seasons!

By the time I started this journey I had about six close friends. Two live out of town so that left four for actual get-togethers. None of them knew each other so it wasn't a group thing, but I would spend time with them all individually and was totally fine with that. They all played a part in my decision making when it came to this choice in my life. Each one providing a different perspective and opinion. And although some were worried, all seemed very excited for me. But as things progressed I noticed a change; they all started to pull away. It didn't happen all at once. But one here, one there, so on and so forth. It wasn't really blatant. It was more of a subtle withdrawal. I've still yet to fully figure it out but best I can come up with, it plays out as follows:

I underwent a LOT during this entire process both physically and emotionally. Three surgeries, giving myself shot after shot, struggling with the fact that it's pretty much impossible for me to conceive naturally, dealing with those close to me being totally opposed to this choice in my life and many other things. It's not an easy load to carry and certainly not easy to carry alone. These friends were really my only outlets. It wasn't something I discussed openly with everyone, but rather kept inside of my circle where I felt protected. Since it was a lot to deal with (and since no one has stated otherwise) I can only assume that the burden of helping me carry the load became too much for them. Granted, I was incredibly "needy" at some points. Certain things had certain effects on me that no one could have predicted and on several occasions I found myself greatly in need of someone to talk to. But ALL of these people repeated over and over how they'd be there for me during this time. No matter what, come what may, they were going to be there. Yet I'm now down to one friend from the original six and one acquaintance that stepped up and has become a friend as well.

I've played things over in my head so many times trying to figure it out. But, it is what it is. And perhaps that's for the best seeing as how I'm about to bring a child into this world. I need to be cautious about who I allow to be in my child's life. God knows I've had enough people come and go in my lifetime and I want to ensure that Peanut has the most stable life possible.  So from now on instead of worrying about those that have gone, I think I'll focus on those that have stayed.