You're Hurting Mommy's Feelings.

I've heard it said many times. It's usually an attempt to get a child to do something or to stop doing something. "You're hurting mommy's feelings! You're going to make mommy cry!" Or the always effective fake crying done by parents, grandparents, friends - also usually used to manipulate a child in some way. It seems innocent enough at the time, but let me assure you, it's not.

What is actually happening is that the child is learning to associate his or her behavior with that of others. If I do this, mommy cries. I don't like it when mommy cries so I should stop. If I don't do this, daddy will get upset and I don't want daddy to get upset. It's a cop out to parenting and teaches the child that they are somehow responsible for the emotions of the adults around them. They often begin to feel the need to "protect" their parents and those they love. This is not only incredibly sad for the child but is also bass ackwards.

In no way shape or form are children responsible for their parents emotions and well-being. Parents are just that; parents. They are grown ass adults who are responsible for their own well beings and emotions. Tasking such a job to a child is beyond wrong in the natural order. It's actually parents who are tasked with guarding and protecting their children's emotions and overall sense of being.

Unfortunately, all too often this pattern will follow a parent/child relationship into adulthood. Teens and young adults often make life choices (college, career, where they live, who they marry, who they don't marry) based solely on what they think/know will make their parents happy and not what will make THEM happy. If the child (now grown) attempts to do something or actually does do something that is for themselves, if the parent does not agree with said choice, it looks something like this "I can't believe you're doing this to me! How could you??! You have no idea how much you're hurting me!!" Other manifestations might include not speaking to the child, telling the child (and possibly siblings) how disappointed they are in the child who is going their own way, etc.

Parent, I iterate again. You are GROWN ASS ADULTS. YOU and only YOU are responsible for your feelings. And contrary to popular belief, it's entirely possible for you to be happy in your own right. For you to recognize that your children are not you, they aren't really even a part of you. In fact, they are totally and entirely themselves. You may feel like they should be one way or the other based on how you were, how you raised them, etc. But at the end of the day, your children are individuals. They are wonderful, amazing, unique individuals who deserve the chance to live a life free of parental emotional blackmail and parental emotional debt (another day another post).

News Flash!!!! Your children will most likely make many choices you don't agree with and that's 100% okay and 100% healthy.  What is not 100% okay or healthy is for you to hold them responsible for how YOU feel about what THEY do. You handle that mess. You go vent to a friend or a husband or a therapist or a glass of wine. But do NOT put that on your child. They are doing something FOR them, not something TO you. And as previously stated, they deserve to be able to learn and grow and fall down and get up and have triumphs and failures and believe and live totally different from you without the constant nagging of your personal emotional struggle in their faces.

No matter what my daughters choose for themselves, I will always be there for them. The few times that my oldest daughter has witnessed me crying, she has been given a full run-down of  "This is my issue, not yours and it's not you. This is me. It's a struggle I'm dealing with and I will figure it out." There is nothing wrong with expressing the fact that you're struggling with your children. But there is something wrong with making them feel responsible for it.

Heaven forbid if the words "You're hurting mommy's feelings" every come out of my mouth, I pray my 2 year old will answer me with one of her current favorite phrases: "Get it together, mom!"

Yep. I'm THAT Mom.

Since becoming a mother 8 months ago, I've been monitoring my "mothering" ways to see just what type of mother I am. Before having a child, I always thought I knew what kind of parent I would be; how I would view certain things (i.e. exposure to germs, safety, keeping a clean house, etc.). But once Audrey was born, everything changed. Well, not everything, but a LOT of things. Things I thought I would never be okay with, I'm totally fine. And things I thought wouldn't bother me do bother me.

So, what kind of mom am I? I'm THAT mom.

I'm THAT mom who recycles rice puffs that fall on the floor and in between the cracks of the car seat because she can't justify getting out new ones when those are perfectly fine.

I'm THAT mom who allows rice puffs to remain on her floor and allows her child to eat them off of the floor as she crawls along.

I'm THAT mom who doesn't require that every single toy be sanitized regularly. I'll hand her something today that she slobbered all over yesterday.

I'm THAT mom who doesn't bathe her child daily. I bathe her as needed; meaning I don't leave her stinking to the high heavens or dirty.

I'm THAT mom whose house looks like a tornado hit it. Toys are everywhere, clothes are everywhere, shoes are everywhere. Navigating it is a skill and I am well trained in it.

I'm THAT mom because I choose to spend my evenings and free time with my daughter, first and foremost, and then with myself. Rather than kill myself from exhaustion trying to make sure my house is spic and span, I take a hot bath after the baby is in bed and then catch a few shows on Hulu.

I'm THAT mom who, 9 times out of 10, puts her child to bed with a bottle. I don't rock her to sleep or hold her until she falls asleep

I'm THAT mom because I know good and well that the next morning, no matter how late I'm running or how hurried I may be, I will put my baby in my bed and lay with her while she drinks her morning bottle. I would rather have that time with her than the night before when I know she's just tired.

I'm THAT mom who wears her house slippers out of the house with her heels thrown in the diaper bag because she doesn't want to fall down the stairs carrying the baby.

I'm THAT mom who puts her makeup on in the car or at work so that she has more time at home with her baby.

I'm THAT mom who loves her baby beyond her wildest dreams and knows that even though her house and car may be a total wreck, and even though her parenting style may not match up to what experts say, or even to what the general public says/thinks, she is doing what is right for her and her family. And she will continue to do so no matter what anyone thinks and may tell you to mind your own business if you stick your nose in hers.

Yeah.....I'm THAT mom.

I Hate You!!!!

• Bestie:  Tell me if I'm wrong on this: I don't feel like teens should have a cell phone until they are driving age. Even then, no web capabilities.
• Me:  Agreed. Nope. No texting either.
  
  
  Call us "Nazi's" (like her husband does) but my bestie and I are in full agreement when it comes to our parenting styles. And even though my mom has warned me (lovingly, as she too was a "Nazi"): "They'll hate you!" I still fully intend on sticking to my guns, hate me or not. 
  
  
  The above is just one example of many conversations Kay and I have had regarding the rearing of our children. She is a mother of two, a 6 year old and a 1 year old, and ever since I first observed her in full "parent" mode, I've been a fan. Also having previously been a single mom, I have a high respect for her. While she reigns in her household, she does it with love and her children know this and respect her and her authority. She's one of those moms that doesn't even have to say anything, just one look of disapproval and the misbehaving is quickly grinds to a halt.
• As previously stated, I had a mother like that. I was raised in what would be known today as a very strict household  I had rules I had to follow and behaviors I could not engage in. No if's and's or but's. Crying and throwing tantrums got me no where nor were they tolerated. If I whined to my mother, her response was as follows, "I can't understand whining."  If I was told to do something, I knew my mother meant it and therefore I did it. If she said "Sit here and be quiet," she meant, "Sit here and be quiet." She didn't mean,  "Continue to run around screaming while I continue to repeat myself and then eventually give up and let you run and scream."  Failure to do what mom said was immediately addressed and dealt with. There was none of the infamous counting,  ("1,....2,....2 and half....2 and three quarters....Leslie, I said sit down. If you don't sit down by the time I get to 3 you're going to be in big trouble!") there was no bargaining, ("Leslie, if you sit down and stop screaming, I'll give you a cookie.") and there were no alternative options, ("Okay, if you're going to act like that just at least go do it in your room.")  Despite those things, I tell people I don't remember being disciplined often and I don't. Why? Because I knew who was the boss by the time I was two and it wasn't me. One might question whether or not I was simply a meek child. To that I say, HA! There is still a book in my mom's closet entitled, "The Strong Willed Child."  
• Some people will say that I was scared of my mom and that's why I behaved. But that's not true. I wasn't scared of my mom. I was scared of the consequences of disobeying; just as it should be. As I grew older the fear of the consequences turned into a respect for my mother and for her rules. I knew what was right and what was wrong and I knew, above all, that I didn't want to disappoint her. It was that respect that kept me from doing anything illegal (i.e. drinking, smoking, etc.) until I was over the age of 18.  I respected my mom for teaching me the right way and didn't want any of my actions to fall on her should I have been caught. I knew at 18 I would be legally responsible for my actions, not my mother. It was also that respect that kept me alive on several occasions. I doubt if she or anyone really knows this, but I came very close to taking my own life on several occasions in my teenage years. But what always stopped me was my mom. After she had done her very best to raise me and give me a good life, I could not bring it upon myself to do that to her. 

  
  

  There are many philosophies on parenting, but I will always be a firm believer that children NEED and DESIRE rules and boundaries. I've heard parents say that they're worried their children won't "like" them if they discipline them. Newsflash, your children aren't your comrades. They're not given to you to be an approval source. They're given to you to RAISE. To teach right from wrong, acceptable from unacceptable, manners, life skills, etc. If you don't, who will? They certainly won't learn much in schools to that regard. One teacher teaching 10+ children how to be functioning, productive members of society is unreasonable and frankly, it's not their job; it's yours. 

  
  

  Of course there is a difference in being harsh and being firm. I cannot stand being around parents who do nothing but yell at their children. That's not discipline, that's laziness. True discipline takes time, energy and above all, consistency. It's not a one time fix, it's not done overnight. It's done day in and day out, repeating over and over until finally, one day it clicks. 

  
  Children are "new" to the world. They have no clue what is good for them or bad for them. This doesn't end in childhood either. Tweens and teens also have issues with judgement. Not because they're dumb or stupid, but because they lack life experience. Heck, even grown adults (myself included) make choices that are wrong for them at times. The difference in adults and kids is that as an adult you're the only person that is solely responsible for your choice. But as a parent, you're responsible for that child, no matter their age (up until adulthood.) Granted some tweens and teens will rebel and at that point, it becomes on their hands. But you have a responsibility to teach them what is best for them and do your best to enforce those rules and boundaries in your home. 
  
  That's why my child won't have texting capabilities on his/her phone while they're a teen. According to the Ins. Institute for Hwy Safety Fatality Facts, 11 teen deaths occur daily due to texting while driving. So is even having the temptation to text something that I think is good for my child? Not at all. Will they "hate me?" Probably. But they'll get over it. And besides, I would rather them feel a temporary emotion than to experience a permanent consequence.