Yep. I'm THAT Mom.

Since becoming a mother 8 months ago, I've been monitoring my "mothering" ways to see just what type of mother I am. Before having a child, I always thought I knew what kind of parent I would be; how I would view certain things (i.e. exposure to germs, safety, keeping a clean house, etc.). But once Audrey was born, everything changed. Well, not everything, but a LOT of things. Things I thought I would never be okay with, I'm totally fine. And things I thought wouldn't bother me do bother me.

So, what kind of mom am I? I'm THAT mom.

I'm THAT mom who recycles rice puffs that fall on the floor and in between the cracks of the car seat because she can't justify getting out new ones when those are perfectly fine.

I'm THAT mom who allows rice puffs to remain on her floor and allows her child to eat them off of the floor as she crawls along.

I'm THAT mom who doesn't require that every single toy be sanitized regularly. I'll hand her something today that she slobbered all over yesterday.

I'm THAT mom who doesn't bathe her child daily. I bathe her as needed; meaning I don't leave her stinking to the high heavens or dirty.

I'm THAT mom whose house looks like a tornado hit it. Toys are everywhere, clothes are everywhere, shoes are everywhere. Navigating it is a skill and I am well trained in it.

I'm THAT mom because I choose to spend my evenings and free time with my daughter, first and foremost, and then with myself. Rather than kill myself from exhaustion trying to make sure my house is spic and span, I take a hot bath after the baby is in bed and then catch a few shows on Hulu.

I'm THAT mom who, 9 times out of 10, puts her child to bed with a bottle. I don't rock her to sleep or hold her until she falls asleep

I'm THAT mom because I know good and well that the next morning, no matter how late I'm running or how hurried I may be, I will put my baby in my bed and lay with her while she drinks her morning bottle. I would rather have that time with her than the night before when I know she's just tired.

I'm THAT mom who wears her house slippers out of the house with her heels thrown in the diaper bag because she doesn't want to fall down the stairs carrying the baby.

I'm THAT mom who puts her makeup on in the car or at work so that she has more time at home with her baby.

I'm THAT mom who loves her baby beyond her wildest dreams and knows that even though her house and car may be a total wreck, and even though her parenting style may not match up to what experts say, or even to what the general public says/thinks, she is doing what is right for her and her family. And she will continue to do so no matter what anyone thinks and may tell you to mind your own business if you stick your nose in hers.

Yeah.....I'm THAT mom.

8 Months Old

My chunky monkey turned 8 months old yesterday. What a difference a month can make! She is crawling EVERYWHERE and standing up on EVERYTHING! Mommy can hardly keep up! Here are some snapshots and footage of the past month. Enjoy!

Audrey is really starting to enjoy "real" food now. This is hummus. Clearly a favorite. 

Audrey had her first Valentines Day date; John Carter. Apparently roses are yummy. 

She was not a happy valentine that morning, however. But certainly a cute one!

I love this new "smile" she has going on. She has 6 teeth now; 4 on top and 2 on bottom. 

Here she is! Crawling like crazy! 

Change Is A-Coming.

When I can sense big changes on the horizon in my life, my first instinct is to look back at things in my past; almost as though I'm asking my past for permission to move forward. I become reminiscent. I start looking through old pictures, old emails, etc. I have a good laugh or two and sometimes a good cry or two. And then I go through the phase that I despise. I call it the "holding" phase.

It's a phase where I'm not quite ready for the coming change, yet I know I can't go back. With one foot in my past and the other in my future, I find myself stuck; on "hold." It's usually a very long phase as well, which is one of the reasons that I despise it so. Some days I'll wake up thrilled about my future and what it holds. I'll be all smiles all day long; singing in the car, laughing with friends, loving life. And yet the very next day I could wake up terribly upset. I'll spend the day listening to old songs and thinking about old times with lost friends wishing that I could somehow find a time machine and go back to a place that is familiar. No matter how bad things might have been, at least they were familiar. I knew what was coming unlike the daunting future in which nothing is clear. And sadly, nothing helps. No one can help me make it better. No amount of prodding or pleading will change anything. I am the only one that can pull myself out of this phase and only when the time is right. 

I'm fairly certain the purpose of this phase is to teach me and to heal me. To teach me lessons from my past so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future and to heal me from any wounds that I might have acquired. 

So here I sit...on hold again.....at least I'm in charge of the music selection....

You've Been Warned.

I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted and sadly, if you're looking for a happy-go-lucky post, this will not be it. I need to get some things off my chest though and this seems to be the best way. I promise you a happy post coming up next week.

Life has been coming at me like crazy these past few months, and frankly, I need a break. I need a rest. I don't know if that means a vacation or just a week off but something has got to give. And when I say I need a break I mean from everything; including my child. I can see some of your shaking your heads in disapproval already. "What? A break from your baby? How horrible!"  I mean, I knew what I was getting into, right? Being a choice mom and all, so how dare I need a break from my kid? How about, because I AM a choice mom, which means I have no one to help relieve me. Ever. I'm not a single parent who has a baby daddy that comes once a week or once every other week to take her for a few days. Sitters are proving to be beyond ridiculous to find and even when you do find them they tend to want a month notice before agreeing to watch the baby. My bad, I didn't realize I would have a tough week this week....a month ago. Well, too bad!! Guess I should have thought of that before I had a kid without a husband. Maybe I should go find one now. Oh wait, you have to date to do that. Hope he likes kids....cause one will be sitting next to us.....on our date. And I also hope he's okay with day dates....like lunchtime dates, because Audrey's bedtime is now 7:30, so past that time, all is pointless.

None of this means I don't love my child, by the way. Nor does it mean that I wish I hadn't made the choice to have her. It means I'm human, I'm not superwoman and I'm beyond exhausted. Along with all of that, it feels like none of the effort and work that I put in is even noticed. I think two, maybe three people have ever actually told me that I'm a good mother.  I mean, I know I'm a good mother, but it's just like hearing "I love you" from someone that you know does, it goes such a long way in helping me feel like it's all worth something in the end. I tell Audrey regularly, "Mommy's doing the best she can." Maybe one day she'll understand, who knows. For now, mommy's done for the day. Hope you all have a fabulous Saturday evening. I'm going to bed.

Back To Life, Back To Reality.

Tomorrow (today, actually) I return to workforce after being away from it for four and a half months. Although the loss of my previous job was a difficult blow to take, I am so grateful that I have been able to spend this priceless time with my daughter. I do think it will be harder to leave her this time than the last. We have a deeper bond now. But, I know she will be in good hands; being taken care of by people that I love. My original child care plans fell apart, so now she will spend her weeks between three different people. It will be some adjusting for her but she's a smart cookie so I know she will do just fine.

While I'm going to miss her, I am excited to get back to work. The company I'm going to work for has never had anyone in my position so I will be forging the way, so to speak. I'm excited to implement policies and procedures. Also, it seems like a fast-paced environment and I thrive in that dynamic. So, I'm hopeful it will be a good fit.

Audrey is growing, growing, growing! She freely flips over from her back to tummy now. She tries to lunge forward, but hasn't quite managed to yet. She is babbling a lot now...or rather gurgling a lot. It's so stinking adorable. The teeth mentioned in the previous post still have yet to surface but I have a feeling we are on the verge. I will be sure to share a picture as soon as I can get a good one.

We went trick-or-treating at our church for Halloween. Audrey went as Cinderella and my bestie's little boy, P, went as Prince Charming. The bestie and I have decided to dress them as iconic couples for as long as we can without them pitching a fit. Hopefully as they age picture taking will be a bit easier than it was this year. Ha! Here's the happy couple.

My Cinderella!

Mosaic Monday: Mommy & Me

I've yet to announce on my blog until today, I GOT A JOB! YAY!!! I start next Monday. I'm really excited to get back to work, however I know I will miss my baby girl! We've become quite the duo. 

I'm linking to Mosaic Monday. 

Date Me Not.

So I went on a date last night; the first one in over a year. About a month ago I got back on eHarmony and Match. Since I didn't conceive my daughter the "traditional" way, I've never felt like there was a need for a hiatus from dating after she was born.

I was really excited. I did all the girly things like get a manicure and text pictures to my friends for their approval. We met for dinner at a place near my house. Nonni watched the baby. I had a great time. Nice guy. Tall, funny, easy to get along with. So, second date, right? Wrong. While I fully enjoyed being out with him, I came to the realization that I am not ready to date and I don't know if I ever will be.

Dating in and of itself has always been a pain to me anyway. My experiences in the past have been less than pleasant to say the least. Let's see, there was the guy that got a table for us in the bar so that he could watch the football game (note this was our first date). Then after sitting in the bar and watching the game the entire time, decides he's going to try to come back to my house by saying he wants to meet my dog. Ummmmm...no dude, you don't. Trust me. Then there was the guy that found it fully appropriate to tell me a story involving a "massage parlor" on our first date. There was the guy that insisted on calling me before we met and talking for about 4 hours each day, thus on our first date we had NOTHING to talk about. Then there was the guy that I never even had a first date with. We were supposed to meet for lunch and when I got busy at work and had to cancel, he adamantly told me that I could not cancel on him because he had "scheduled me in." I could go on, but you get the idea.

But regardless of my track record, my reasons for feeling like I may never date again have nothing to do with the actual men themselves.  Instead they have to do with one thing: expectations.

Expectations are everywhere in life, but they are really strong in the dating world. You meet someone online or through a friend and decided to go on a date. Boom! Expectation. Whether it's for the other person to pay for the meal or for a goodnight kiss, something is expected. And frankly, I'm tired of feeling like I have to live up to anyone's expectations. I'm having a hard enough time living up to my own expectations as it is! I have no job after CHOOSING to give birth to my daughter. I have a body that I don't have a clue what to do with. I'm not fat in any way, but my body is just....different. I have skin that hangs on my stomach that used to be completely taut against it. I have lines and creases in random places. Then on top of that I have a house that is completely a mess more than half of the time. And on top of that I have child who is dependent upon me for her every need. And THAT reason, above all, is the most important.

I have a child. She needs me. My time and energy need to solely focused on her and providing for her. Not on trying to meet some guy's expectations of me. And on top of that, I'm just not ready to share her yet. I worked so hard to have her on my own, that I want to keep her on my own for a very long time.

Maybe one day the man of my dreams will knock me off of my feet. But for now, the girl of my dreams has my full attention.

Jobs and Puke and Yoda...Oh My!

Hello out there in blog land! I hope everyone is doing well. I know I've fallen way behind on blogging. I have no good excuse other than, I just haven't been in the mood.

Still no job. I thought I had one last week. Had a second interview and was told by the HR manager that they really wanted me and were going to make me an offer. They did, however, they low balled me in the offer by about 8k!!! Ridiculous!! I counter offered, but they never responded. So, here I sit at my trusty laptop scouring the web for opportunities.  I'm trying not to drive myself insane, but it's getting difficult.

On the baby front, Audrey is growing like a weed! I measured her last week and she is 25 inches long. Last time I weighed her she was 16 pounds. She rolled over a couple of weeks ago for the first time. She's really starting to "scoot" when she's on her tummy. I see crawling in the nearish future. She is in that "puke" phase. Almost every day there is puke on EVERYTHING. Hopefully we phase out of that soon. Tehehe.

We went to Zoo Boo last week (I'll blog more about that later.) Here is my little wise one.

The Force is with her. 

Even Yoda needs protective eye wear. 

3 Months Old

Can't believe it!! My baby girl is 3 months old! She's growing so big so fast. She is "talking" a lot now and loves to smile and laugh. She's not rolling over yet, but she is certainly moving. If you place her in one spot while she's sleeping, she will end up in a completely different spot and position.  She still doesn't really like the car seat. She will take it for awhile but if she's in any way shape or form tired, it is not a pleasant thing. She's fully sleeping through the night which is WONDERFUL. She has been napping a lot less and for shorter periods of time. I haven't weighed her in awhile but I would guesstimate she's around 13 pounds. She still fits in some 0-3 month clothing but can also fit in some 3 month and some 3-6 month. She's crazy long with long limbs. Her feet are super skinny but LONG!

So in love with my angel baby! We decided to put on a fancy dress to celebrate our "birthday." As you can see, she had quite a time with the tulle. I love you, miss Audrey!! Happy 3 months!

The Eyes Have It.

To say that life has been stressful the past few weeks would be an understatement. The past three days in particular, have been incredibly rough on me mentally. While I have a little bit before finding a job becomes crucial, I am ready to get back in the work force and know that the longer I'm without work, the harder it will be to find work.

Needing a short escape from my hermit ways, Audrey and I went over to my mom's house this evening to hang out. I watched Project Runway and Audrey....well....Audrey ate and fussed and finally fell asleep. Since she's been doing so great on her sleeping schedule, I thought she would fall back asleep easily when we got home (the car seat ride usually wakes her). Wrong. 

Although I've tried not to let it become a habit, Audrey has become accustomed to falling asleep with a bottle in her mouth. A pacifier is not a valid substitute either; she wants a bottle. So, the past few days/nights I've taken to propping a bottle up beside her on a rolled up blanket and she usually falls asleep shortly thereafter. Well, since I've been resting a lot lately, I decided tonight would be a good night to try and break that habit by getting her to fall asleep with either a pacifier or nothing at all. Wrong. 

She flared and flipped and flopped. Fussed and fidgeted. Twisted and squiggled and squirmed. We walked and rocked and soothed and spit up (her, not me). Finally, mommy gave in and made her a bottle.

While I was feeding her, holding her and the bottle with one arm and scrolling through my phone with the other, I came across an article that a friend had shared on Facebook. It was titled "Coping with Intensity in Children" and was talking about gifted children and how they are crazy intense about things. How they have more ups and downs with emotions and ask a lot of questions 24x7.  

As I'm scrolling and reading, I glance over at Audrey to see how the "feed to sleep" method is working. I look over to find her staring at me and I mean STARING at me....intensely. I guess it was the combo of my exhaustion + the look + the article.  I busted out laughing. So much so that I jostled her and the bottle right out of her mouth. She paused, frowned and then started to cry. For whatever reason (I guess it was the look on her face), this only caused me to laugh harder (mean mommy).  Now I'm crying from laughing so hard and she's crying from being startled. I finally start to calm down somewhat (still laughing though), put the bottle back in her mouth and tell her "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She's now looking at me intensely again, but she's smiling.....then she starts laughing. Then I start laughing. Then she's starts crying........HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Eventually we both stopped laughing and crying, she went to sleep without her bottle in her mouth, and I feel at least ten times better than I have in a long time. Laughter truly is the best medicine; good for what ails ya.

Happy Friday, peeps!

The eyes. 

This and That.

Life is a bit chaotic at the moment. My days are filled with job searching, telephone screenings and the like. I had an interview on Monday. It was the first one I've had. I've had several phone interviews/screenings, but none of them have turned into a solid interview. And boy, was it an interview!  Three and half hours with six people. Yes. Six people. Insane! I THINK it went really well, but you never know with those type of things. They didn't say when they would be making a decision by but my guess would be by the end of the week. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that I get it. The company is amazing and I think it would be really great to work for; a place to retire at, actually.

On the baby front, Audrey is growing leaps and bounds. She turned 10 weeks old yesterday. Cannot believe it. She's really starting to come alive and has such a little personality. She laughed out loud for the first time today. She's laughed in her sleep before but never AT something/someone. This one was brought on by mommy singing and dancing with her to Disney songs.  She's also hitting milestones; holding her head more and with better control, holding herself up on her arms (not quite there yet, but almost), sleeping through the night (BIG ONE!) and eating like crazy. I will probably start adding some cereal to her formula in the next two weeks. We will see how that goes.

Well, that's all from this side of the world. Until next time, lovelies.

Bumps In The Road.

Tonight I've been sitting here thinking about life. Thinking about how it throws us curve balls left and right. No matter how much we plan ahead and prepare for the future, something always messes with those plans and preparations. In a way, it's a good thing because it teaches us adaptability and personally, I feel adaptability is one of the greatest qualities one can possess in life. However, it is still frustrating when things take a random and unforeseen turn.

For example, my road to motherhood. Originally, the job I was at had a work-from-home policy that allowed employees to work from home a few day a week with the correct approval. I took this into account when choosing the road I did. Granted, it was not the REASON I chose to be a mom and I can't say I would have chosen differently had I known what the future held. But, it was a nice add-on, shall we say. Then suddenly that job had an expiration date. Although unknown, it was inevitable and my survival depended on finding another job.

Since I was planning on being a mother in the near future, I decided to look for jobs near my family so that I would have them close whenever the time came. As luck would have it, I did, in fact find a job close to my family. So I broke my lease and relocated. Though the job didn't allow working from home, I moved into an apartment that was 4 minutes away from my job, thus allowing me less time on the road and more time with the baby. It would also allow me to go home during lunch and spend time with her as well. Fast forward to the present day. I am without a job and will most likely end up having to drive a good hour for work. This will put me dropping my child off for care around 7am and picking her up about 6pm; almost 12 hours later. I'll have to go to bed much earlier than I am now in order to survive sleep wise, so that will probably give me all of 4 hours to spend with her each day.  The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

Yes, I know I chose this life for myself and I wouldn't change that choice if I could. I'm simply mourning the time lost with her. I may eventually relocate again. That would put me further away from my family, but once I start working again, our time together will be limited anyway.

I know in my last post I said I wasn't cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, and I'm not. But I do wish I could spend more time with my girl than what will most likely be my reality. I guess on the bright side it will make our time together that much more special. 

Bumpity bump, bumpity bump...onward we go.

June Cleaver I'm Not.

For years I have thought that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My mom was, as were my aunts and my grandmother.  It seemed easy enough. Wake up, feed a baby, change a diaper, lay a baby down for a nap, do some housework while watching a soap opera, feed a baby, change a baby, lay a baby down for the night, take a bath and go to bed. Easy peasy!!  However, this unplanned bout of unemployment along with my original maternity leave has left me feeling quite differently than before.

THERE IS NO WAY IN HADES THAT I COULD BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOM!!

At least not until this child is maybe 2 or 3. Oh.My.God. It is sooooooooo much more work than I ever thought possible. Things that theoretically should take 30 minutes take 3 hours. There is never a routine, even if you're IN a routine. Nothing goes the same way twice. It is insane!!!!  Many days I don't eat until after 4pm!! And as far as my house?? Well, see for yourself.....

 

(Yes, that's a diaper on the counter. We had to take a hasty bath and that's where it ended up.)

 

 

Granted, I'm a single stay-at-home mom and perhaps a spouse would make things easier to a degree, but in my mind I actually think it might make things harder. Tired husband comes home from work expecting dinner and clean house. Tired wife is expecting husband to take care of the baby for a little while so she can eat, shower etc.  You get where there is going. 

 

Either way, as much as I love my child, I was not cut out to stay with her 24x7.  Some may say that makes me a bad mother and yada, yada. But, I know I'm a good mother and that I love my baby. I also know that I'm a person who needs the structure and routine that an outside job provides. So as much as I'm going to hate to be away from Audrey, I am looking forward to going back to work.

 

To any of you who are stay-at-home moms, my hat is off to you. If you're a single stay-at-home mom....well, you're just Wonder Woman. And if you're a married stay-at-home mom, I hope your spouse appreciates you for all you do!!! You deserve it!!!

 

 

 

 



 

 



Mosaic Monday ~ Mommy's Back

Apparently last week was just NOT my week.  Two days after getting laid off, I developed strep throat and a double ear infection. Following doctors orders, I arranged for family and friends to keep Audrey for the next 36 hours while I stayed drugged and rested. While I will admit I enjoyed the rest, (I slept for 6 hours straight for the first time since Audrey's birth) I missed my baby girl greatly!! I finally got to pick her up on Saturday. During a visit to Nonni's, Audrey was clearly tired and seemed more than happy to pass out on mommy's shoulder. Mommy was more than happy too.

 

 

I'm linking to Mosaic Monday

 



Blessings In Disguise

Well, I returned to work only to be laid off. Changes are being made at the company and my position is relocating. Believe it or not I've felt it in my gut for a long time that this would happen. Not sure why, but I just knew it would. Oddly enough, for some reason I feel completely at peace about the situation. I am getting a decent severance so I don't have to scramble to find something in a week or so and I'm very grateful for that. And, this just means that I will get to spend more time with my precious Audrey.  I've already put my feelers out to my contacts and have at least two or three people to send my resume to. I'm also looking into work-from-home opportunities. All in all, I'm viewing this as a blessing in disguise. God will make a way. And until he does....I'm at stay-at-home mom!!

Operation Child Care = Completed!

If you read my previous post, you'll know I've been looking for personalized child care for Audrey since I was about 6 months pregnant, if not sooner. I've asked friends/relatives, looked at the online sites, posted on Facebook, etc. Originally I wanted a nanny in my home, but I quickly found that the going rates would not work with my budget availability. So, I started looking for an in-home daycare, but wanted it to be someone I knew or a referral. No luck. As the time crept closer and closer for me to go back to work, I knew I had to make SOME arrangements, even if they weren't long term ones.

While trolling Facebook one day, I noticed that my cousin-in-law (hehe) had posted an advertisement for a daycare run by their church. Though I've never wanted to put Audrey in daycare, if I HAD to, I preferred it be one that I knew could be trusted. After stopping by and meeting the staff, I decided to go ahead and enroll her there. It was going to be the best option even though it was going to be about a half hour trip each way from my house and back to work.

Saturday evening after returning home from the beach, I noticed my dogs eyes were practically swollen shut. An emergency trip to the vet revealed they were and also came with a very high price tag. That development along with a few other things have forced me to go back to work 2 weeks prior to my scheduled return. Although I had a place to take Audrey, I really didn't want her in a daycare setting until she was at least 8 weeks old (which will be next Tuesday). So, I decided to line up family and friends to keep her the remainder of this week (I am back at work today) and then take her to the daycare a week early. I lined up family for today and tomorrow but still needed someone for Thursday and Friday. So, I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a sitter and would pay.  A recently added friend of mine commented asking if I was looking for someone just up until Audrey was 8 weeks old. Long story short, after messaging I have found in-home care for Audrey!! And to sweeten the pot, it's only about 10 minutes from where I live!!!!! I could not be happier!! 

Mosaic Monday ~ Order Happiness

Late Friday evening I got a text from my aunt Dayle offering to keep Audrey on Saturday if my mom and I wanted to go to the beach. It was a very last minute thought and decision, but it was just what the doctor ordered. Mom and I haven't spent any "mother daughter" time together since I had MY daughter, and so we decided to load up the loungers and sun tan lotion and head south. Our day at the beach was quite enjoyable as we filled it with love, laughter and talking. On the way out of town we stopped at a local ice cream joint to pick up something for the road. The picture in the top right corner was taken there. I found the idea of ordering up happiness and receiving it so shortly thereafter to be a pleasant one. Here's to hoping your happiness is served quickly on this Monday.

I'm linking to Mosaic Monday. 

It's Just Pee.

Yes, those words have become part of my vocabulary. Never would I have thought I would live to see the day. But that's what an almost 7 week old baby that pees all the time and on everything will do to you. I have nicknamed Audrey the "pee queen." The child pees on EVERYTHING; herself, her bed, my bed, me, her changing table, her bouncer.....everything. She is worse than a boy, I do believe. I've tried to combat the problem with different diapers (brands and sizes)  to no avail. I finally have thrown in the towel and purchased stock in Tide. Okay, maybe I haven't taken it that far yet, but I should probably seriously consider it.  I have, however, become less bothered by the pee in general and just sort of,....go with the flow, shall we say??

After the first appearance by her highness, I freaked out. She was on her changing table and I simply went to change her diaper when all of a sudden she was covered in pee, from her bottom all the way to her hair. I don't exactly remember the steps to the pee dance we did, but everyone and everything ended up being washed. But those days have long passed us and now it's "grab a wipe and go." If the pee makes it to her hair now, she simply gets a cloth bathing - unless of course, she needs a full bath anyway, but that is a rarity.

Funny how the OCD in me is totally taking a backseat. Before I would have NEVER allowed anything to stay unwashed that had the smallest amount of pee on it. Now? I'm pretty sure there's a pee spot on my comforter as I type. And two formula stains on my sheets....welcome to motherhood.

My little pee queen. 

Posing Pretty

Audrey had her newborn pictures done last week by the wonderfully talented Megan Ella Photography.  As usual I am in LOVE with all of the pictures. Here are a few of my favorites (okay more than a few).

 

Mosaic Monday ~ Audrey's Expressions

If there is one thing that can brighten my day like none other, it is the precious facial expressions of my daughter. For today's showing I have captured 12 of them. Although some are similar, none are exactly alike and I love every single one of them. 

I'm linking to Mosaic Monday.