Date Me Not.

So I went on a date last night; the first one in over a year. About a month ago I got back on eHarmony and Match. Since I didn't conceive my daughter the "traditional" way, I've never felt like there was a need for a hiatus from dating after she was born.

I was really excited. I did all the girly things like get a manicure and text pictures to my friends for their approval. We met for dinner at a place near my house. Nonni watched the baby. I had a great time. Nice guy. Tall, funny, easy to get along with. So, second date, right? Wrong. While I fully enjoyed being out with him, I came to the realization that I am not ready to date and I don't know if I ever will be.

Dating in and of itself has always been a pain to me anyway. My experiences in the past have been less than pleasant to say the least. Let's see, there was the guy that got a table for us in the bar so that he could watch the football game (note this was our first date). Then after sitting in the bar and watching the game the entire time, decides he's going to try to come back to my house by saying he wants to meet my dog. Ummmmm...no dude, you don't. Trust me. Then there was the guy that found it fully appropriate to tell me a story involving a "massage parlor" on our first date. There was the guy that insisted on calling me before we met and talking for about 4 hours each day, thus on our first date we had NOTHING to talk about. Then there was the guy that I never even had a first date with. We were supposed to meet for lunch and when I got busy at work and had to cancel, he adamantly told me that I could not cancel on him because he had "scheduled me in." I could go on, but you get the idea.

But regardless of my track record, my reasons for feeling like I may never date again have nothing to do with the actual men themselves.  Instead they have to do with one thing: expectations.

Expectations are everywhere in life, but they are really strong in the dating world. You meet someone online or through a friend and decided to go on a date. Boom! Expectation. Whether it's for the other person to pay for the meal or for a goodnight kiss, something is expected. And frankly, I'm tired of feeling like I have to live up to anyone's expectations. I'm having a hard enough time living up to my own expectations as it is! I have no job after CHOOSING to give birth to my daughter. I have a body that I don't have a clue what to do with. I'm not fat in any way, but my body is just....different. I have skin that hangs on my stomach that used to be completely taut against it. I have lines and creases in random places. Then on top of that I have a house that is completely a mess more than half of the time. And on top of that I have child who is dependent upon me for her every need. And THAT reason, above all, is the most important.

I have a child. She needs me. My time and energy need to solely focused on her and providing for her. Not on trying to meet some guy's expectations of me. And on top of that, I'm just not ready to share her yet. I worked so hard to have her on my own, that I want to keep her on my own for a very long time.

Maybe one day the man of my dreams will knock me off of my feet. But for now, the girl of my dreams has my full attention.

Nice to Meet You.

It might seem odd that a single, pregnant woman would be talking about dating but that's exactly what is happening in this post.

Believe it or not I've had several men interested in dating me even though I'm pregnant. The fact that there is no "baby daddy" in the picture seems to take the edge off and some actually find the fact that I knew what I wanted and went for it admirable. 

Having said that, I've yet to be interested in a relationship at this point. There are the more obvious reasons like the fact that my daughter will take up the majority of my time and energy (as it should be) for quite awhile. But there are other reasons, well mainly one, that factor into my lack of desire to jump back into the dating pool.  

Dating has become a total madhouse. I'm not talking about casual dating (hookups here and there), I'm talking about serious, "I'm looking for the one" type of dating. 

Dating for the purpose of a long-term relationship generally happens via online dating, although sometimes it can be a setup between mutual friends, etc. And while I've heard several success stories from those who have met their mates online, I find that these stories are a rarity and also are between people who are in their late 30's/early 40's and/or they actually met when online dating was really starting to take off  and are not recent connections. I, personally, have had years of online dating experience and even met a former boyfriend online. However, since my most recent bout with dating (the one that sent me flying in the Choice Mom direction), I have realized two things:  A.  I've grown up really quickly and matured in my overall thinking towards dating and B. Most people who are dating (primarily) online are lost, hurt by their past and trying to find a savior who can rescue them (I know this because I've been one of them.)   

It starts out like this. A guy sends you a wink or a request to chat or whatever that particular site has. You respond back with a wink or a "Hey, I'm good how are you?" blah, blah, blah. A small amount of chitchat is exchanged but it's a VERY small amount. And all too quickly, things start to take a turn in the "deep conversation" direction.  He then asks what you're looking for (which is already clearly stated in your profile, should you have filled it out correctly) and tells you exactly what he's looking for. He wants to know about your exes, (what happened, what went wrong) and he wants to tell you about his. He wants to make sure you understand that he's looking for keeps and that he's tired of dating and is ready to settle down. His expectations are high but he's willing to give the same in return and promises you he's worth it.  All of this before you've even seen the man in person. Before you've heard his voice, before anything. We're already talking about expectations, the past and the possible future and for all I know you could have a lisp so strong I can't understand you or body odor so strong you'd give a skunk a run for his money.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that those aren't important topics but for the love of Pete, MEET ME FIRST! And don't meet me with any expectations of a future together. Let's make it through happy hour and maybe I'll tell you that I don't date men who smoke. But until we've established that we are somewhat compatible and attracted to each other, let's not order the wedding invitations and change our Facebook relationship statuses. 

Sadly, this isn't just an online thing anymore. I've also had it happen before blind dates and big group meetings where there was a particular person that my friends thought I might mesh with. It just seems that everyone is so quick to jump in headfirst these days. I've come to realize that it's really just a bunch of hurt people trying to avoid repeating the past. When you get to know someone slowly, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. But when you hand out demands and expectations before you even meet the person, you're already distancing yourself from them.

If you knew the old me, you are probably picking your jaw up off of the floor because I used to be just like that.  I don't know if it's the pregnancy or what, but for some reason I no longer have a desire to rush into anything. Actually, I want to take it slow; very slow and easy, even if it makes me vulnerable. I want to meet  in a setting where there's no pressure. Buy me a snow cone and tell me you hate the Yankees and we'll go from there. But don't tell me what you hated about your ex so that you can compare me to her and don't lay out a list of demands a mile long. 

The truth of the matter is that we all have the same basic desires when it comes to relationships. We all want to be loved, respected and encouraged by the person we're with. Therefore there really is no need to go into meeting someone by voicing that you need/want those things. Instead, find out who they are, find out the little things. I've had people tell me that the little things aren't important, but I really believe they are. When I look back on my past relationships, those were the things I loved the most about the other person; the small things we had in common, like both singing loudly and off-key to the radio, or the fact that we both loved banana and peanut butter sandwiches. I'm not saying those things trump love and respect, but I think they actually make a relationship what it is. 

So before we go any further, my name is Leslie, my favorite colors are pink and purple, I like to turn the radio up as loud as I can take it in the car, I don't like squash or cauliflower,  and I HATE the Yankees.