Farewell, Faithful Friend

I've not been updating my blog as often as I used to, so for those who follow here, this will come as a surprise.

Yesterday was my last day with my precious Charlie girl.  My life is changing rapidly; I'm moving in a month, Audrey is now crawling and standing and into EVERYTHING, and with all of the changes, poor Charlie girl was just not getting the attention that I felt she deserved. She had also become very jealous of the baby and I was very concerned about how she would react with Audrey becoming more mobile. The combo of all of that led me to the painful decision of re-homing her. I said a prayer and posted an add on my company's Yammer site. To my delight, I got a response. A guy that I work with thought she would be a good match as a playmate for his dog (an Australian Shepherd). We did a trial run a few weeks ago and it went well. He agreed to take her and yesterday he came and picked her up.

With the way things have been going lately, I kinda figured I would put my feelings of loss aside in a "to be dealt with at a later time" compartment and move forward. But scrolling though pictures today have made me misty eyed.

Charlie came to me as a result of my last relationship. You can read that full story here.

I could make this post go on for hours with story after story of my faithful companion, but I will leave you with one short one and a ton of pictures instead. ;)

After my ex and I parted ways I fell into an incredibly deep depression. Most days it was all I could do to function at work and as soon as I would get home all I wanted to do was sleep. I've read that dogs are really in tune with our emotions, however, if Charlie knew I was having it rough, she completely ignored the fact. Instead of offering a shoulder for me to cry on, she demanded that I pay attention to her, namely walking her at the track across the street each night. If I failed to do so, she would whine and annoy me until I gave in. At first I was extremely bitter about it. I didn't want to be walking my dog, I wanted to be sleeping and grieving. But as time went by and night after night I put on my sneakers and made my way around the track, I started noticing a change. I was no longer anxious to get back home to my bed of misery. I began to enjoy the walks. They became a safe haven where I could process my thoughts a midst a beautiful setting sun. And slowly but surely, I started to live again.  Maybe Charlie was in tune, maybe somehow she knew that the only way for me to get better was to continue on; to plow forward.

I will miss my Charlie girl so very much and I am so grateful for the past 4 years that I got to be her mommy.

Happiness Is Mine.

I promised you a happy post last week and I failed to fulfill. So here it is!!

My precious angel baby that I am so deeply, madly in love with is 7 months old!! I cannot believe how fast the time is flown by. Before I know it she will be a year old! But I refuse to think that far ahead. Right now she is 7 months old and a total "mess cat," as I call her. She is so on the verge of crawling it's not even funny. The platinum blonde hair is getting thicker by the day. She loves to laugh and play. And as crazy as it sounds, she can keep a beat!!! She loves to pat her hands and kick her feet. She brings me joy beyond measure. 

Change Is A-Coming.

When I can sense big changes on the horizon in my life, my first instinct is to look back at things in my past; almost as though I'm asking my past for permission to move forward. I become reminiscent. I start looking through old pictures, old emails, etc. I have a good laugh or two and sometimes a good cry or two. And then I go through the phase that I despise. I call it the "holding" phase.

It's a phase where I'm not quite ready for the coming change, yet I know I can't go back. With one foot in my past and the other in my future, I find myself stuck; on "hold." It's usually a very long phase as well, which is one of the reasons that I despise it so. Some days I'll wake up thrilled about my future and what it holds. I'll be all smiles all day long; singing in the car, laughing with friends, loving life. And yet the very next day I could wake up terribly upset. I'll spend the day listening to old songs and thinking about old times with lost friends wishing that I could somehow find a time machine and go back to a place that is familiar. No matter how bad things might have been, at least they were familiar. I knew what was coming unlike the daunting future in which nothing is clear. And sadly, nothing helps. No one can help me make it better. No amount of prodding or pleading will change anything. I am the only one that can pull myself out of this phase and only when the time is right. 

I'm fairly certain the purpose of this phase is to teach me and to heal me. To teach me lessons from my past so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future and to heal me from any wounds that I might have acquired. 

So here I sit...on hold again.....at least I'm in charge of the music selection....

You've Been Warned.

I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted and sadly, if you're looking for a happy-go-lucky post, this will not be it. I need to get some things off my chest though and this seems to be the best way. I promise you a happy post coming up next week.

Life has been coming at me like crazy these past few months, and frankly, I need a break. I need a rest. I don't know if that means a vacation or just a week off but something has got to give. And when I say I need a break I mean from everything; including my child. I can see some of your shaking your heads in disapproval already. "What? A break from your baby? How horrible!"  I mean, I knew what I was getting into, right? Being a choice mom and all, so how dare I need a break from my kid? How about, because I AM a choice mom, which means I have no one to help relieve me. Ever. I'm not a single parent who has a baby daddy that comes once a week or once every other week to take her for a few days. Sitters are proving to be beyond ridiculous to find and even when you do find them they tend to want a month notice before agreeing to watch the baby. My bad, I didn't realize I would have a tough week this week....a month ago. Well, too bad!! Guess I should have thought of that before I had a kid without a husband. Maybe I should go find one now. Oh wait, you have to date to do that. Hope he likes kids....cause one will be sitting next to us.....on our date. And I also hope he's okay with day dates....like lunchtime dates, because Audrey's bedtime is now 7:30, so past that time, all is pointless.

None of this means I don't love my child, by the way. Nor does it mean that I wish I hadn't made the choice to have her. It means I'm human, I'm not superwoman and I'm beyond exhausted. Along with all of that, it feels like none of the effort and work that I put in is even noticed. I think two, maybe three people have ever actually told me that I'm a good mother.  I mean, I know I'm a good mother, but it's just like hearing "I love you" from someone that you know does, it goes such a long way in helping me feel like it's all worth something in the end. I tell Audrey regularly, "Mommy's doing the best she can." Maybe one day she'll understand, who knows. For now, mommy's done for the day. Hope you all have a fabulous Saturday evening. I'm going to bed.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving from me and my little turkey!! 

Back To Life, Back To Reality.

Tomorrow (today, actually) I return to workforce after being away from it for four and a half months. Although the loss of my previous job was a difficult blow to take, I am so grateful that I have been able to spend this priceless time with my daughter. I do think it will be harder to leave her this time than the last. We have a deeper bond now. But, I know she will be in good hands; being taken care of by people that I love. My original child care plans fell apart, so now she will spend her weeks between three different people. It will be some adjusting for her but she's a smart cookie so I know she will do just fine.

While I'm going to miss her, I am excited to get back to work. The company I'm going to work for has never had anyone in my position so I will be forging the way, so to speak. I'm excited to implement policies and procedures. Also, it seems like a fast-paced environment and I thrive in that dynamic. So, I'm hopeful it will be a good fit.

Audrey is growing, growing, growing! She freely flips over from her back to tummy now. She tries to lunge forward, but hasn't quite managed to yet. She is babbling a lot now...or rather gurgling a lot. It's so stinking adorable. The teeth mentioned in the previous post still have yet to surface but I have a feeling we are on the verge. I will be sure to share a picture as soon as I can get a good one.

We went trick-or-treating at our church for Halloween. Audrey went as Cinderella and my bestie's little boy, P, went as Prince Charming. The bestie and I have decided to dress them as iconic couples for as long as we can without them pitching a fit. Hopefully as they age picture taking will be a bit easier than it was this year. Ha! Here's the happy couple.

My Cinderella!

What You See.

We've all been there. That tinge of jealousy you feel when reading someone else's post on Facebook.

"Thanks to my amazing hubby for the early birthday present! I love you so much!"
"We're pregnant....AGAIN!"
"Vacation in the Bahamas!!"
"Just bought a new house!!!"


But what you see isn't always what you get. In fact, it's been my experience that most of the time what you see is NOT what you get. I've known firsthand for posts gushing with love for a spouse or a boyfriend to come from couples struggling to make it day to day in their relationships. Posts about excitement over pregnancies don't show the pain and suffering that came from the many injections needed for IVF. Or the grief that came with the pregnancy that ended too soon. Those posting vacation pictures don't tell you that the family argued the entire trip and their relationships will never be the same. And while John Doe my have a new house, John Doe also has debt that will hang over his head for 30 years forcing him to count pennies the entire time.

This is not meant to call anyone out or shame anyone. Certainly no one is of any obligation to post the intimate details of their lives online. And in fact, we all know someone who posts things that are TOO intimate. No, sir. I do not wish to see the pictures of your gallbladder surgery. No, ma'am. I don't need to know you and your mother had a huge fight and you're done talking to her.

My point is simply this: take Facebook and other social media sites with a grain of salt. And by all means, do NOT use them as a measuring stick for your own life. Just because someone achieved something prior to you and without your specific struggle, doesn't mean they didn't struggle. Nor does it make you a failure for not achieving it yet.

Your life is meant to be lived by you; including both struggles and successes. Keep your eyes on YOUR prize. Keep a grateful heart. And when someone posts a picture of their amazing new adventure, "Like" it, comment if you wish, and then get back to your own amazing adventure.